Holy weariness

January 19, 2014

Anyone else really tired?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’m not just writing about physical exhaustion, but mostly a being of exhaustion. Now granted, I am working full time, raising a toddler, and I am within weeks of my third trimester with our second son.

My external experiences are tiring, but I think the exhaustion I am speaking about is more rooted within the deeper recesses of my being.

Here are some of the things that have me down;

I am tired of injustice, and perverted justice.

I am tired of the pointless babble of so many people.

I am tired of shallow answers to truly unanswerable questions.

I am tired of hearing “I feel” instead of “I think”.

I am tired of the cold and the snow.

I am tired of everything being so damn expensive.

I am tired of trying to fit in, and at the same time trying to “find myself”

I am tired of seeing the worst in people.

Here’s the thing. I think I’m tired of people. I’m even kind of tired and irritated with myself. I am tired of losing my patience, and having a short fuse. I am tired of feeling tired.

Have you ever been here?

I am in need of an internal fix up. A shift in my perspective and world view.

I think this weariness truly stems from my stubbornness towards the work God is doing in my heart. I’m also aware that my ministry time in southern Illinois left me with a holy discontentment.

The problem with this holy discontent is that for almost five years I haven’t had the words to describe what I am feeling and thinking.

My first reaction to this state of being was rebellion. The problem is I have been feeling and thinking as two different people. I desperately want to stay the same. I want to live my life as my own and I so desperately want to be comfortable.

The combination of the work of the Holy Spirit within my life and my own Holy discontentment has left me wore out.

Since God has been slowly changing my mindset I don’t really like the person I used to be. When I sit by myself I realize that I am materialistic, greedy, impatient, short in anger, and I am certainly not gracious.

But my mind, and my heart are both being transformed. While I am still learning the words I need to explain what has been happening to me I can tell you that through my weary and holy discontentment I have realized that the church is the only hope of this world. I have come back to believe when Christians get together and have faith that the Holy Spirit is moving, mountains move, and lives are transformed.

My holy weariness is slowly being transformed into a hopeful hesitation and trust within the Church.

Whenever I feel defeated or weary I cling to Psalm 13.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him, ”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I connect deeply with this Psalm because the beginning is an outpouring of the poet’s heart and soul. It’s a description of a weariness. The poet doesn’t forget to trust in the Lord’s steadfast love though, because The Lord as been GOOD.

Whether you are praising God on the mountaintop, or under your comforter in the fetal position crying out, God remains to be GOOD.

Because God’s love is long standing.


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