Holy weariness

January 19, 2014

Anyone else really tired?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’m not just writing about physical exhaustion, but mostly a being of exhaustion. Now granted, I am working full time, raising a toddler, and I am within weeks of my third trimester with our second son.

My external experiences are tiring, but I think the exhaustion I am speaking about is more rooted within the deeper recesses of my being.

Here are some of the things that have me down;

I am tired of injustice, and perverted justice.

I am tired of the pointless babble of so many people.

I am tired of shallow answers to truly unanswerable questions.

I am tired of hearing “I feel” instead of “I think”.

I am tired of the cold and the snow.

I am tired of everything being so damn expensive.

I am tired of trying to fit in, and at the same time trying to “find myself”

I am tired of seeing the worst in people.

Here’s the thing. I think I’m tired of people. I’m even kind of tired and irritated with myself. I am tired of losing my patience, and having a short fuse. I am tired of feeling tired.

Have you ever been here?

I am in need of an internal fix up. A shift in my perspective and world view.

I think this weariness truly stems from my stubbornness towards the work God is doing in my heart. I’m also aware that my ministry time in southern Illinois left me with a holy discontentment.

The problem with this holy discontent is that for almost five years I haven’t had the words to describe what I am feeling and thinking.

My first reaction to this state of being was rebellion. The problem is I have been feeling and thinking as two different people. I desperately want to stay the same. I want to live my life as my own and I so desperately want to be comfortable.

The combination of the work of the Holy Spirit within my life and my own Holy discontentment has left me wore out.

Since God has been slowly changing my mindset I don’t really like the person I used to be. When I sit by myself I realize that I am materialistic, greedy, impatient, short in anger, and I am certainly not gracious.

But my mind, and my heart are both being transformed. While I am still learning the words I need to explain what has been happening to me I can tell you that through my weary and holy discontentment I have realized that the church is the only hope of this world. I have come back to believe when Christians get together and have faith that the Holy Spirit is moving, mountains move, and lives are transformed.

My holy weariness is slowly being transformed into a hopeful hesitation and trust within the Church.

Whenever I feel defeated or weary I cling to Psalm 13.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him, ”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I connect deeply with this Psalm because the beginning is an outpouring of the poet’s heart and soul. It’s a description of a weariness. The poet doesn’t forget to trust in the Lord’s steadfast love though, because The Lord as been GOOD.

Whether you are praising God on the mountaintop, or under your comforter in the fetal position crying out, God remains to be GOOD.

Because God’s love is long standing.


Fear Not?

January 6, 2014

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people”

This verse has been stuck in my brain since I heard it read at Christmas Mass. I have been stewing on it silently. It struck me on Christmas because I realized I am afraid often.

Not in the sense where I am consciously aware of it, but when I sit back and look at my mentality towards life I tend to fear many things. Often my fears are irrational and easily downplayed, but they still weigh heavily on my being.

As we walked back from Christmas mass I told Waylon that I wanted to be free of my fear. I do not want fear to take control of my life in such a way that it determines if I can hear and see the Holy Spirit move.

As I have been reflecting on these thoughts I have wondered how to counteract this fear I often carry around.

The fear of not being financially secure.

The fear of worthlessness.

The fear of a lack of conviction.

The fear of comfortability.

The fear of long term discontentment.

The fear of failure as a wife and mom.

Coming into the New Year reminds me of resolutions. How can I practically give up my fears? What does this look like for me?

This morning I had a moment of clarity. I was re reading Luke 2:10 and realized that there is more to the verse then “fear not”. As I continued to read on I was reminded of 1 John 1. The angels were declaring the Good News. The news that was going to be life transforming, and as I flipped to 1 John, a letter written after Jesus’ death. I observed that that Good News was a reality for the church.

1 John 1:1-2
“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life- the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us”

The reality of this faith is that it is real. It is tangible. If we claim to call ourselves followers of Christ than we must own our own redemption.

We replace our fear with the experience of the Gospel.

As the Johannine community writes about their living experience with the death and resurrection of Christ, so must we, as Christians today.

My fears are very real in one sense. If I give power to what I am afraid of I will lose sight of my own redemption within Christ.

If I choose to allow my fear to dominate my life I am choosing to deny the power of the cross and the resurrection three days later.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my fear comes with a choice. I can choose to give power to my fear or to let the power of the cross defeat it.

I wonder what 2014 will be like for myself, and for others around me if I choose redemption instead of fear.