Leaving a…well leaving something

August 17, 2012

Recently I have been thinking a lot of Bonhoeffer. When I was pregnant and very sick I decided to quit my job and to quit school. I had a lot of time on my hands between throwing up, so I went to Barnes and Noble and bought three books; the new Brennan Manning book, which I read and returned, a compilation of Dorothy Day’s writings and the new Bonhoeffer biography by Metaxes.

I started the Bonhoeffer book first and was absolutely floored by it. I knew a little about the guy from some college studies, but I was not prepared for what the book was going to do to me.

This man, who was born into an affluent family felt the call to pastoral work. He pursued his pastoral work before and during the holocaust in Nazi Germany. The reason I was so challenged by the book is because Bonhoeffer continues to come back to the question; what is the church?

Bonhoeffer lived in a tumultuous era and his faith was questioned seriously by his culture.

As I have chewed slowly on this book I come to Bonhoeffer’s question; what is the church?

Especially having Arlo around, I am even more spurred to ask and seriously wrestle with all the answers that everyone often gives.

I told Waylon I wanted to write something to Arlo, so that the things I have been impacted by as a twenty five year don’t get lost in the years of living ahead. When I am fifty, if I make it there, Arlo will be twenty six…will I still feel the same way that I feel now? Will I still be reflecting and learning and teachable? Or will life, death, and sickness turn my heart and mind cynical and bitter?

So many questions to ask, and so many that go unanswered. I grew up in a church that was concerned in what kind of legacy you will leave…

I don’t think I will leave a legacy, but I want to give my son my thoughts as a twenty five year old, so that when he asks the question; what is the church he can know that his know it all mom has struggled with it as well.


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