Holy weariness

January 19, 2014

Anyone else really tired?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’m not just writing about physical exhaustion, but mostly a being of exhaustion. Now granted, I am working full time, raising a toddler, and I am within weeks of my third trimester with our second son.

My external experiences are tiring, but I think the exhaustion I am speaking about is more rooted within the deeper recesses of my being.

Here are some of the things that have me down;

I am tired of injustice, and perverted justice.

I am tired of the pointless babble of so many people.

I am tired of shallow answers to truly unanswerable questions.

I am tired of hearing “I feel” instead of “I think”.

I am tired of the cold and the snow.

I am tired of everything being so damn expensive.

I am tired of trying to fit in, and at the same time trying to “find myself”

I am tired of seeing the worst in people.

Here’s the thing. I think I’m tired of people. I’m even kind of tired and irritated with myself. I am tired of losing my patience, and having a short fuse. I am tired of feeling tired.

Have you ever been here?

I am in need of an internal fix up. A shift in my perspective and world view.

I think this weariness truly stems from my stubbornness towards the work God is doing in my heart. I’m also aware that my ministry time in southern Illinois left me with a holy discontentment.

The problem with this holy discontent is that for almost five years I haven’t had the words to describe what I am feeling and thinking.

My first reaction to this state of being was rebellion. The problem is I have been feeling and thinking as two different people. I desperately want to stay the same. I want to live my life as my own and I so desperately want to be comfortable.

The combination of the work of the Holy Spirit within my life and my own Holy discontentment has left me wore out.

Since God has been slowly changing my mindset I don’t really like the person I used to be. When I sit by myself I realize that I am materialistic, greedy, impatient, short in anger, and I am certainly not gracious.

But my mind, and my heart are both being transformed. While I am still learning the words I need to explain what has been happening to me I can tell you that through my weary and holy discontentment I have realized that the church is the only hope of this world. I have come back to believe when Christians get together and have faith that the Holy Spirit is moving, mountains move, and lives are transformed.

My holy weariness is slowly being transformed into a hopeful hesitation and trust within the Church.

Whenever I feel defeated or weary I cling to Psalm 13.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him, ”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I connect deeply with this Psalm because the beginning is an outpouring of the poet’s heart and soul. It’s a description of a weariness. The poet doesn’t forget to trust in the Lord’s steadfast love though, because The Lord as been GOOD.

Whether you are praising God on the mountaintop, or under your comforter in the fetal position crying out, God remains to be GOOD.

Because God’s love is long standing.

Fear Not?

January 6, 2014

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people”

This verse has been stuck in my brain since I heard it read at Christmas Mass. I have been stewing on it silently. It struck me on Christmas because I realized I am afraid often.

Not in the sense where I am consciously aware of it, but when I sit back and look at my mentality towards life I tend to fear many things. Often my fears are irrational and easily downplayed, but they still weigh heavily on my being.

As we walked back from Christmas mass I told Waylon that I wanted to be free of my fear. I do not want fear to take control of my life in such a way that it determines if I can hear and see the Holy Spirit move.

As I have been reflecting on these thoughts I have wondered how to counteract this fear I often carry around.

The fear of not being financially secure.

The fear of worthlessness.

The fear of a lack of conviction.

The fear of comfortability.

The fear of long term discontentment.

The fear of failure as a wife and mom.

Coming into the New Year reminds me of resolutions. How can I practically give up my fears? What does this look like for me?

This morning I had a moment of clarity. I was re reading Luke 2:10 and realized that there is more to the verse then “fear not”. As I continued to read on I was reminded of 1 John 1. The angels were declaring the Good News. The news that was going to be life transforming, and as I flipped to 1 John, a letter written after Jesus’ death. I observed that that Good News was a reality for the church.

1 John 1:1-2
“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life- the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us”

The reality of this faith is that it is real. It is tangible. If we claim to call ourselves followers of Christ than we must own our own redemption.

We replace our fear with the experience of the Gospel.

As the Johannine community writes about their living experience with the death and resurrection of Christ, so must we, as Christians today.

My fears are very real in one sense. If I give power to what I am afraid of I will lose sight of my own redemption within Christ.

If I choose to allow my fear to dominate my life I am choosing to deny the power of the cross and the resurrection three days later.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my fear comes with a choice. I can choose to give power to my fear or to let the power of the cross defeat it.

I wonder what 2014 will be like for myself, and for others around me if I choose redemption instead of fear.

The Lawrence Christmas Card

December 29, 2013

73412_10151779299851221_1068125085_n

 

2013 has been a long, hard year for the Lawrence family. In the fall of 2012 we decided to leave our church in Southern Illinois, and to join the diocese of Quincy Illinois so that Waylon could pursue his calling of becoming an Anglican priest. We truly believe that the Holy Spirit was leading us into that direction and still feel convicted in our faith.

One of the reasons 2013 has been so challenging for us is because we have had to really depend on the generosity of others. My parents opened up their home to us for nine months during this year of transition and helped us in so many ways. Waylon’s parents opened their home up to our dogs and then to us for about six weeks in the summer. They also rented our uhaul so that we could save money on our move. My parents took Arlo for two days so that Waylon and I could unpack and have some time together.1005995_10151768928841221_1740583325_n

Not only were we dealing with physical aspects of our decision but we were also dealing with the emotional aspects. We had a very hard and trying three years in Southern Illinois. Waylon’s job was challenging, draining, and exhausting. We were dealing with a toxic church and we were not equipped or prepared to navigate the emotional, spiritual, and physical burden of this ministry.

During the year of 2013 we have healed slowly from many of the wounds that ministry has inflicted on our marriage and our faith. This has been a good and hard thing to do, and we could not have gotten through this time without our community. We had dinner once a week with close family(my combo of friends who have become family) the Plassmans, Waylon met and worked with a new good friend Matt, and I was blessed to be around my two old best friends, along with making a new wonderful friend who is now becoming my sister in law!(how cool is that!) All these people including our family helped us heal from the isolation of our ministry experience during our year of transition.

We then moved to Nashotah WI and within two days I had two job offers. One that turned into a full-time position in November! We also have been blessed with a new baby who is healthy and will be born in May!

1382905_10151956959356221_1550414266_n

We have been wonderfully blessed by the Raskopf family, who have adopted us and have truly loved on us during our first semester here.

We have had so many ups and downs this year, but during this time of Advent I am remembering that there is a reason we have been so abundantly blessed.

Advent is a wonderful time within the church that means waiting on The Lord. There is a great sense of anticipation as we wait for the birth of Christ.

With the birth of Christ comes the hope that when we are in despair we will have the church to cling to. We will have a community of believers to sit with us in our grief, and hardship and love us through it all. Then when we have been healed, we will have the opportunity to love others in grief.

What a powerful and astounding reality we are enveloped within.

As I reflect on our hardship and our journey the words “Don’t be afraid! I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The savior-yes the Messiah, The Lord-has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David!” Luke 2:10-11

What a powerful message spoken by an angel to some sheep herders. So many years ago. Don’t be afraid, because the savior of the world has been born and is redemption and love within the flesh.

As we look towards Christmas Day, and towards 2014, the Lawrence family will be seeking that redemption in our lives so that we can extend it to others.

Lately I have been noticing a couple of posts circulating around FB/Twitter. These posts generally make me roll my eyes and at the worst give me something to complain about. I am sure you have seen them too.

The Mom and church posts.

You know…the posts about how great it is when you take your kids to church, even when you are tired, even when they are all under the age of three.

Ugh.

To my Protestant friends we are not talking about bringing your kids to church so they can go to kids church while you go to service. We are talking about high church services where there is often no kids service.

I normally don’t get so riled up about an idea like this. I am all for kids being in church. I still remember my Sunday School teachers in fifth grade and how special and loved they made me feel. How they showed me the love of Christ, just by expressing their excitement that I came every week. Through those relationships I learned to LOVE church. I continued to meet people who expressed Christ to me through relationship as I grew within the church.

I guess my strong reaction isn’t to the idea of having kids in church. It’s putting the sole responsibility of these kids on their parents, specifically on moms.

Hear me out.

I realize that Waylon and I are responsible for our kids’ spirituality. However, without all the moms, dads, sisters, brothers, at church I would NOT be the Christian I am today. Church is supposed to be a community of believers who all take responsibility for raising our children in the faith.

Because let’s be honest. Mom’s who have kids under the age of three are going to have a hell of a time nurturing their own spirituality within service if they have to keep their kids quite, still, behaved, and from running up on the alter to knock everything over. Mom’s have gotten their kids up, fed them breakfast, wrestled “church clothes” on their kids, packed the diaper full of toys/snacks, and then in the middle of service they have to walk out of service because their 15 month old wants to go run up and explore and is throwing a massive tantrum.

I react strongly to all the church posts lately because our Moms and Dads are working really hard during the week to not only teach their children how to live life well, love well, and to be kind. When I read posts that “praise” moms for bringing kids to church because they need to be there I really read a nice think GUILT TRIP.

And to be honest, this issue could be solely mine to struggle with, but when I see these posts I feel guilty that I do not look forward to church. I feel guilty for wanting to just stay home, because I am super aware that my high energy 15 month old will maybe make it thirty minutes if I am lucky, and then will see something interesting and will fight tooth and nail to try and get whatever he sees. It then ends in the high pitched scream that has been trending in our house lately, followed by some good kicks,  and a good old fashion tantrum. And I only have ONE child.  I couldn’t imagine having more than one under three.

To be honest, I would rather stay home. Because I cannot be present at church when I have to watch my own child. Especially when I already feel the strong emotion of guilt. Guilt is a wonderful emotion for the Devil to use to keep people from the Bride of Christ. And, when the church itself reinforces this guilt we are doomed in our effort of  spiritual formation for our families.

For my Episcopalian friends, if you do have new families that come to church and you do not have a nursery for the littles, or a children’s church you will have a really hard time trying to get those young families back into church. Moms and dads do not want to watch their own children in church.

And I get it, well they should just be mature enough to deal with it, right? Wrong. We should not be expecting people who walk into our church to be already mature in their faith. The church should be mature enough to realize that our young parents need to be spiritually formed as well as our children, because our parents are the spiritual leaders that form our children during the week. When the church puts the sole responsibility of raising their children onto the parents alone we cutting our feet out from under us. We are not equipping people who are gifted with children, we are wearing our parents out, we are not spiritually forming our families, and in the worse case scenario we are letting the sin of guilt to run rampant.

My student minister in high school always said, “You are not the church of tomorrow, you are the church of today.

Remember that we are leaving a legacy to our children. We are giving them the faith that we have experienced first hand. We are the eye witness’ of our generation of God the Father’s working within our lives and in our world.

We are the ones “which have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. 2 The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. 3 We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us.” 1 John 1:1-3.

We have the responsibility to express redemption, grace, patience, prayer, and the free life of Christ, to our children, as a church. Please don’t let parents try to do this on their own. Partner with them to express the legacy of our faith. Not only will our parents grow within their spiritual formation, our children will get to take part in the stories of so many different Christian brothers and sisters.

Story telling

June 6, 2013

My friend Nick loves a good story. He is actually a great story teller himself. He tweeted this statement awhile back and it got me thinking, “Rarely does someone hear a story and retell it well, the best story teller wins”

On further discussion he said that the best story teller is the one who experiences the story.

The reality is that we all have experienced story. We all started somewhere, got busy growing, made a few friends, maybe had some life changing experiences, and we will all meet the end eventually.

In all that living, we tell a story.

We are all apart of the big story. Somehow connected with each other for some reason. We are not just connected with each other but also to the earth, to the dirt, the water, and the air.

We are such physical people living in a very physical world. The Gospel is just as physical and when we first encounter the death and resurrection of Christ many of us have a whole body response in reaction.

We are not the first people to experience the Gospel as something tangible and as something real.

In the letter of 1 John the author demonstrates their perspective of the living story we all are about of, they write,

“The one who existed from the beginning is the one we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is Jesus Christ, the Word of life. This one who is life from God was shown to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and announce to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was shown to us. We are telling you about what we ourselves have actually seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We are writing these things so that our joy will be complete. This is the message he has given us to announce to you: God is light and there is no darkness in him at all.”

This community did not only receive the story of Jesus but actually experienced the story first hand through their own life transformation.

When we call ourselves Christian we are choosing to own that the Gospel is alive and has transformed our own lives. That the man we call Christ did truly die and rise and through the Holy Spirit has put his signature on our lives.

Whatever our story holds, when we choose to buy into the Gospel we are handing the tale of our lives over to Someone else.

And when we tell our stories to each other, and live our stories with other people we are expressing the life of the Gospel we have seen, heard, touch, and know.

That is why silly generalities or sweeping theological statements often contradict the Holy Spirit and the living Gospel.

People, life, stories are full of error, mud, holes, and misunderstandings.

But Christ, is in all of the story and the love that he offers transcends all understanding and misunderstanding.

Post Birthday

May 20, 2013

Arlo turned one last month. It was kind of a big deal. I’m sure every parent feels that way when their first kid turns one. The wonder and awe, both because they have kept this little creature alive for a year, and because this little creature has transformed their life.

So, to prepare for Arlo’s birthday I finished his baby book, bought decorations, and tried to appreciate all the changes that have come with becoming a mom.

I have read a lot of “parenting” blogs warning future parents about the surface issues of parenthood like; you will have Cheerios all over your car, you won’t sleep well again, explosive poopy diapers, massive toddler tantrums, ect.

But no one really talks about how being a parent forces you to live in the moment.

Arlo has blessed me with the gift of living within the present. If I choose to day dream the day away I miss a whole day with my son. Even on the days when he is cranky or really needy.

I think intense love does that to a person. It makes them come up into reality. Weather it be falling in love, making new friends, having a baby, or doing ministry. Intense love forces us to live in the moment. To appreciate the small details of a person. To remember the intricate touch or the refreshing conversation.

I have been blessed by this intense love through Arlo, through Waylon, and through the church and I am thankful for the opportunity to live in the present.

Because today is all we are promised.

Anxious Alison

April 24, 2013

I get really anxious. Like to the point where my chest gets tight and I have a hard time breathing.

I guess I have always been anxious but after Arlo was born it really sky rocketed. I think “they” call it postpartum anxiety.

I call it darkness in action. If you have never suffered from anxiety than you won’t understand someone who does. Often times Christians can think if you eat well, exercise, think positive, and pray really hard that the anxiety will go away. These things help, but they don’t take the anxiety away.

Unfortunately you cannot work something like this off.

While it has gotten better as Arlo has gotten older it still can be crippling. I write about my anxiety not so that you will feel bad for me, but because it’s a way to cope.

Actually with all the shootings in ‘Merica it has been brought to my attention that there is very little room for mental illness within the church. The pharmaceutical company has a corner of this market but the church has little if nothing to say on the matter. Often if the church does speak on the matter it’s negative.

However, metal illness can cause a lot of problems for kingdom people in relationship. Christianity often looks differently through mental illness when it comes to reconciliation, forgiveness, love, or discipleship.

I wrote on Matthew 5:48 this morning. The perspective that Jesus calls us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect.

That Greek word translates as complete. We are called to be complete people. Wholistic people.

What a beautiful image. To be a whole, complete, unbroken person. To be a person at peace.

So, how are we called to love the people who might not know or express this love back?

How do we navigate forgiveness, reconciliation, discipleship with Christians who suffer from bipolar, anxiety, OCD, chronic depression, ect.?

Maybe meeting people where they are at and loving them in a practical way; Cooking meals, watching their kids, going on walks.

Maybe if we love in a practical way we can walk with people through their hardship and see what it’s like to walk in there shoes.

I don’t normally write about the devil, as I would rather focus on the goodness of Christ.

However, a recent conversation inspired me to reflect on satan’s activity in our lives.

Scripture gives us some clues on Mr. Evil’s activities within the world, and to sum it up he basically is a deceiver.

Or in laymen terms; liar.

Actually my favorite image of Satan is found in St. Peter’s first letter. St. Peter writes,

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

Satan is looking to deceive us in all kinds of ways.

He wants us to believe that we are less than.

Less than what?
Less than perfect.

In Matthew 5 Jesus teaches about loving your enemies and ends this section of scripture by telling everyone that we are called to be perfect like our Heavenly Father.

Perfection does not mean crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s. Jesus’ perfection means being whole.

Being completely whole.

We were originally made whole, but because of the fall in Genesis 3 and our own sin we are broken. The Good news is Christ’s death and resurrection makes us whole again!!

Satan gets a hold of this though and tries to get us to believe that our brokenness cannot be fixed.

He whispers,

“You are not pretty enough.”

“You are not smart enough”

“You don’t belong”

“Your depression and anxiety are just who you are, you can never experience freedom from them”

“You are only here to make yourself happy”

“You are not loved and you are too broken to be loved”

“Your house isn’t nice/big enough”

“You will never have enough money, it’s your only security in this world”

Ect.

I’m sure you have heard something similar in your own life.

These insecurities are crippling when they are all we believe about ourselves, and Satan is waiting in the bushes, hoping if we hear these lies enough we will start believing the lies.

Here is the Good News; we don’t have to be defined by our insecurities. We get to live as kingdom people right now.

We get to experience the freedom of the life transformation of Christ Jesus!

Lately I have been feeling the burden of these lies in my life. I have sat in self pity for too long over some things that have happened and have decided that I am wallowing in my own sin.

Satan doesn’t want me to move towards Christ, so he is going to try yell louder from the bushes. He might even try to get inside my heart house and stick his dirty little hands all over the different parts of my heart.

Scripture is clear on how to stop this from happening.

St. Paul gives us the image of putting on the armor of God to the church of Ephesus, to keep Satan at bay.

He writes, “Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,”

Let us keep our hearts from being weighed down by the lies of Satan an rejoice in the resurrection of Christ.

Sticky faith

April 22, 2013

I caught up with some friends from high school a couple of weeks ago that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

We caught each other up on life. As I was talking about Arlo we somehow got on the topic of baby jam. Baby jam is a sticky substance that seems to get over everything that Arlo touches. It comes in all different colors and seems to get all over everything, oh, and it’s really sticky.

I was reflecting on our conversation and it reminded me of my faith.

Faith is like baby jam…it’s really sticky.

I know a lot of us use moralism as an interchange for faith, but if we read scripture faith is wider and deeper than simple moralism.

In fact when we did ministry in southern Illinois I noticed that moral theism was trending in the pews rather than faith in Christ.

I say faith is sticky because it’s really hard to nail down.

When I was younger, faith was an emotional response different experiences within a community of believers. This usually happened at church retreats.

In college faith was found in word studies, philosophical ideals, hermeneutics, and being right. My faith grew in the classroom and in the dorm room.

In our first ministry the faith I experienced became restricted by expectations, fundamentalism, and pride, both from myself and from others. The faith I experienced was cornered and scrutinized.

When we resigned I realized that the faith I was experiencing was changing yet again.

As I sit here and type this I cannot discount all my faith experiences, just like I can’t discount anyone else’s faith experiences.

I can say that I have noticed similarities in my experiences.

People, the church, evangelism, service, and study have been components in all of my journey.

But mostly people. I’m not an expert but the times when I have put myself in new situations, especially when I have been serving others is when I have experienced a new perspective of my faith in Christ.

And, this is why faith is like sticky baby jam.

When you put yourself in a position to experience new faith you get that faith all over every one you interact with.

Just like baby jam, that sticky faith starts to show up on everything you handle.

This sticky faith then leads you to encourage and challenge others on your journey in new ways.

Rule Keeper

April 8, 2013

I have always been rule keeper. Yes, I like to speed, yes, I didn’t go to every chapel in college, and I am generally very vocal when I think a rule is unnecessary.

But I really like rules. I think it’s my need to control that I admire them so much.

I think this is the reason why I love Waylon so much. He tends to know himself well enough to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He also has a better grasp on the love of God and of God’s grace than I do.

Mostly because both the love and grace of God don’t follow the rules. The whole Gospel doesn’t follow the rules.

And that’s really hard to swallow for a rule keeper.

Most of the time when we sit down and read scripture we pick on the Pharisees, those religious leaders who always seem to be giving Jesus a hard time. We are shocked that they didn’t get Jesus and his message.

But, they were rule keepers who were guarding the historical rules that were given to them by God. It’s easy to pick on them because we live post resurrection and they are an easy target.

But, being a rule follower I know it’s hard to make room for people that break the rules or recreate them.

The reality is that Jesus lived, died, and lived again for all of us rule followers, rule pushers, and rule breakers.

He makes room for us all and loves us all tenderly, knowing our weakness and who we harden our hearts too.

One way that I have learned to let go of the rules is by connecting with other human beings.

I have a friend who swore she would never forgive or love a parent who abused her children, until one day she met a woman while volunteering at a soup kitchen who abused her children. This woman shared her brokenness with my friend and the hardness started to melt my friends heart.

Maybe that is the key to us rule keepers. To keep our hearts open to opportunities to live the Gospel out, so that little by little we can experience more of God’s grace and love in our lives.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 384 other followers